How I'm going to save Christmas

Much like the Great Schism that divided Christianity into the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox Churches, Jim Carlton of the Wall Street Journal today reports of a divide among the Amalgamated Order of Real-Bearded Santas, one of the most prominent Santa organizations in the country. Carlton reports that the fraternity of Kringles are accusing each other of "profiteering and behaving in un-Santa-like ways." While it's unlike me to say I told you so, I naturally saw this coming. You can't bring together a coalition of large men jockeying for a throne of authority without a little violence, and to prove my point:

Things became physical that month, when a Santa who had been banished from Elf Net tried to crash a board meeting of Amalgamated Santas at Knott's Berry Farm Resort Hotel in Buena Park, Calif. The interloping Santa, Ric Erwin of Laguna Niguel, Calif., says he planned to videotape the private meeting at the request of Santas who couldn't be there. He pushed his way past Mr. Trolli and ended up face-to-face with Mr. Germann near the meeting room filled with Santas. Mr. Erwin says Mr. Germann "used his elbow to bounce me off the wall." Mr. Germann says he didn't touch Mr. Erwin. Mr. Trolli says Mr. Erwin "headed into him like a linebacker." Mr. Erwin was escorted out by security guards.

As the mixed metaphors go: you can't make Christmas without cracking a few eggs. Still, this development has led me to take a bold leap, one that I never thought I'd be inspired to make. Meet the newest member of the Amalgamated Order of Real-Bearded Santas. Sure, I'll need to gain weight and grow a beard, but between late-night Chinese delivery and my usual disregard for personal hygiene, I'm confident I can make the cut by December. While this is just a crude mock-up, this is what I expect I'll look like by the time the holidays roll around:

In part, the move will allow me to take an active role in preserving the Holidays, and salvaging Santa in the court of public opinion. However, my motivation has more to do with--you guessed it--comeuppance. Taking on the role of Santa, even if I'll only be one of thousands of active Santas in the country, will allow me to punish the country's population of naughty. I have six months to brainstorm suitable punishments, and since I'm also "greening" my work, I'll be eliminating coal. My first thoughts involve waterboarding and screenings of the upcoming film, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua," but my methods will evolve between now and the end of the year.